| Wow |
[11 May 2007|11:49am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 crushed |
] |
I haven't written on here in probably a year. Don't want to look at my old entries... pretty sure the last one I wrote I was with him. My love... world... life... and best friend. Left the world a year ago on Sunday. Left me, his family, and numerous friends who loved him. Why. Why did he feel like his world was over? What was he thinking as he tied the noose around his neck? Did he understand how he would turn my world upside down... his mother's world?! What kind of selfish bastard kills themself Mother's Day weekend?! I use to cry being sad and missing him. Now I cry for his mother... and out of anger. Suicide is a cowards way out. He had so many options. The IT department for a small company, great car, great apartment... of course he was in debt... what did he expect? You cannot have great things and not have great debt, not in this country. He was so young... just turned 23. I miss him so much. I don't want this Sunday to come. I wish I could stop existing... if just for those 24 hours. But I'm not selfish. I will not let my self pity swallow me and bring down all that love me. I'm not like him... I will NOT be like him.
|
|
| Looking Back |
[05 Oct 2006|08:55am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 thoughtful |
] |
I just looked back at all my entries and realized how much i've grown up in the last couple of years. I graduated (which most would not have expected), had a friend kill herself (middle of journal entries), moved to heathers, moved out with heather and matt, matt kills himself, i flip a car and have black outs, heathers moving house to house, currently have 2 jobs and go to school full time at hagerstown business college. I never thought this is where I would be right now. Away from all the mikes, away from shelby and britney, away from the close secure world i use to know. Still depressed sometimes, but Krystal helps me a lot. Oh yea, also being in my first homosexual relationship. Everything happens for a reason... whatever that is.
|
|
| Back Again |
[05 Oct 2006|08:13am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 groggy |
] |
Wow, its been... almost a year since my last post. I'm currently at school and don't have to be!!! So upset. I woke up early just to sit at the computer and stare. Well, recap of this year may take a while so i'll start with a survey... again :-)
1. Name: Belinda Alvarez
2. Birthday: July 21, 1988
3. Zodiac: Cancer
4. Nationality: white/spanish
5. What time is it: 8:15 am
6. Are you sensitive: yea
-------Person Who last------
7. Called you:Chrissy
8. Slept in your bed: my bed? um... i've been sleeping in Krystals
9. Saw you cry: Heather
10. Made you cry: Matt (R.I.P)
11.What happened to Question eleven?: <- I found it!
12. You shared a drink with: Krystal
13. Major crushes: Krystal!!!
14. Slept with last:
In the same bed: Krystal.
In the same room: Krystal
15. Yelled at you: Krystal
16. Sent you mail: Hagerstown Business College. Second quarter schedule!
-------Have you ever-----
17. Taken a picture of yourself with a milk moustache and sent it to the milk people: nope
18. Said "I love you" and meant it: yea
19. Gotten into a fight with your Dog/Cat etc.: yea, Tang (R.I.P)
20. Favorite thing to do on weekends: sleep
21. Favorite School Subject: Accounting
22. Herbology:no
23. Potions:no
24. Transfiguration:no
25. Divination: no
26. Is there anymore I forgot: ...
27. Danced Naked: in the shower
28. Had a dream about something really crazy, then it happens the next day? yea... i think
29. Stalked someone:not that i can recall
30. Had a mud bath: nope
31. Wished you were the opposite sex: yea
33. What time is it now: 8:19 am
34. Apples or bananas: bananas
35. Blue or red: blue
36. Grey or orange: grey
37. Hogsmeade or Diagon Alley: Hogsmeade
38. Spring or Fall: Fall
39. Love or hate: Love
40. What are you gonna do after you finish this: sit some more in my last keyboarding class
41. What was the last meal you ate: some cici's
42. Animagus or Marauder: Animagus
43. Are you bored: yea
44. How many friends you have: a couple
45. Last duel you saw: Greg, Aaron, and Lionel vs. Krystal, Pinkie, and me (Shadowland... what else needs to be said)
46. Last noise you heard: typing
47. Last smell you sniffed: Cigarette smoke
------About your friends------
48. Laughs the weirdest: Precious
49. Going to have the most kids: Mario
50. Who have you known the longest: Christian
51. Loudest: Val
52. Is the quietest: Ashley
54. Who is the funniest: Precious
55. Who is the moodiest: me
56. Biggest pimp: again... me
57. Good looking: Krystal
58. Who can you tell most of your secrets to: Krystal, Heather, Hillary
59. Who do you usually go to about all of your problems: ^looks above^
60. Wished someone was dead: no... never again
61. Last time you had sex: way early this morning
62. The last time you had a dis-agreement with someone: last night
63. What happened to Question 64?: *looks down*
64. Do you have a crush on someone: yea
65. Do they know: i should hope so
66. Do you have a bf/gf: um... kinda, we are "on break" but not really
------EXTRAS-----
67. What do you think of slugs and other bugs? they're pretty but slugs... *cringes*
68. What book are you reading now: "The Green Mile"
69. Nicknames: bizzle, binda, sweetie, baby
70. Hair Color: brown/black
71. Height: 5'6 ft
72. Pets: 1 cat
73. Siblings: Brian, Heather, and Ryan
74. Been so drunk you blacked out: no
75. Taken any illegal substances: no... heh heh...
76. Gone out in public in your pajamas: yea
77. Missed school b/c it was raining: yea
78. Set any body part on fire for amusement: no
79. Kept a secret from everyone: no
That was not as fulfilling as I had hoped. Oh well
|
|
| Men |
[05 Sep 2005|09:28pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 sleepy |
] |
Guys suck. Well, most of them. In short, i'm single again! i'll explain later... dont feel like getting worked up right now!
|
|
| School... |
[29 Aug 2005|06:27am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 anxious |
] |
I hate school. In an hour i will be sitting in a small square room, listening to how important it is to be a good student... to come to school everyday, do all your homework, study for tests. Its the same fucking thing every fucking year. A new year to do great, or to do horribly. To be praised or to be cut down. Fuck school. A chance to prove myself or to prove to others that i can't handle it. Some background for all my devoted readers, i have a major truencey problem. i HATE going to school. The thought of sitting at a desk for almost 7 hours makes me sick. Middle school... i didn't care. I got A's and a B every now and then. 9th grade i went to a high school knowing no one. I had a 3.75 the first quarter, 2ish second quarter. By the time 2nd semester came around i almost never went. So i went to school half or 9th, the same thing happened for 10th, and 11th... i went the whole year getting credit in 13/14 day school classes and 1 whole credit in night school. I'm officially in 12th grade this year and I need 7 credits. For all of you out of school already and have no clue how the credit system works anymore... that means i need every single class this whole year. I hate school. Its so filled with drama and idiots. People who don't let you learn and useless subjects. Next semester i have to take 2 englishes, 12B and 10B. I hate english. Heh, the one class i never go to. It was a miracle i didn't lose credit in it last year. THANKS MR. GAUSSMAN!!! I only got the 1st half of 9th grade my first year. Had to repeat it in 10th (because you have to complete it before moving up) and lost credit in the second semester again. So, 11th grade comes around and they put me in 11th grade english without realizing i hadn't passed 9B and i never had been enrolled in 10th. So thats where night school came into play. I took 2 classes. So on Mondays and Wendesdays, from 6-9:20 i was sitting at a desk in a bum-fuck nowhere high school in montgomery county (Magruder). Well, thats my story in english, and its about the same for my math credits. I like math... alot. I passed Algebra in 8th grade with flying colors. Honors Geometry (9th) was easy, but i didn't finish the 2nd half. 10th, same thing (they wouldn't let me do alg. 2 first sem). So in 11th, i took PGA (principles of geometry and algebra) you may not know the class by name, but its the class for people like me and the stupid people. 2nd semester i finally finished my geometry credit. So this year, i'm taking algebra 2 with analysis all year, and a 1/2 credit in business math. Fun. Oh! but i did make it to advanced accounting! I love accounting. I got straight A's in it last year. My teacher moved to Florida over the summer though. *pouts*. She was the best teacher i ever had and now she's gone. Well, its 6:52 so i should probably get ready. Expect a long one after this first day of hell.
|
|
| ok... another attempt at posting religiously... |
[25 Aug 2005|01:34am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 tired |
] |
So... what better way then with a catch-up servey!
1. Name: Belinda Alvarez
2. Birthday: July 21, 1988
3. Zodiac: Cancer
4. Nationality: white/spanish
5. What time is it: 1:35 AM
6. Are you sensitive: yea
-------Person Who last------
7. Called you:Rayman
8. Slept in your bed: me
9. Saw you cry: David/McQueary
10. Made you cry: reasons unknown
11.What happened to Question eleven?: <- I found it!
12. You shared a drink with: Heather
13. Major crushes: My fiancee... David Maurice George
14. Slept with last: In the same bed: David. In the same room: Heather
15. Yelled at you: David
16. Sent you mail: Something about an athletic scholarship... psh
-------Have you ever-----
17. Taken a picture of yourself with a milk moustache and sent it to the milk people: nope
18. Said "I love you" and meant it: yea
19. Gotten into a fight with your Dog/Cat etc.: yea, Tang
20. Favorite thing to do on weekends: sleep with my baby
21. Favorite School Subject: Accounting
22. Herbology:no
23. Potions:no
24. Transfiguration:no
25. Divination: no
26. Is there anymore I forgot: ...
27. Danced Naked: in the shower
28. Had a dream about something really crazy, then it happens the next day? yea... i think
29. Stalked someone:not that i can recall
30. Had a mud bath: nope
31. Wished you were the opposite sex: yea
33. What time is it now: 1:40 AM
34. Apples or bananas: bananas
35. Blue or red: blue
36. Grey or orange: grey
37. Hogsmeade or Diagon Alley: Hogsmeade
38. Spring or Fall: Fall
39. Love or hate: Love
40. What are you gonna do after you finish this: Go to bed and wait for someone to wake me up
41. What was the last meal you ate: combination lo mein and life savers
42. Animagus or Marauder: Animagus
43. Are you bored: yea
44. How many friends you have: a couple
45. Last duel you saw: heather and daniel online
46. Last noise you heard: brrrring! (AIM)
47. Last smell you sniffed: Cigarette smoke
------About your friends------
48. Laughs the weirdest: Chris
49. Going to have the most kids: travis
50. Who have you known the longest: Christian
51. Loudest: Val
52. Is the quietest: McQueary
54. Who is the funniest: David
55. Who is the moodiest: me or daniel... cant pick
56. Biggest pimp: Travis
57. Good looking: that gurl... mmm...
58. Who can you tell most of your secrets to: David, Heather, Star, Ray, and Tang
59. Who do you usually go to about all of your problems: ^looks above^
60. Wished someone was dead: yea
61. Last time you had sex: 2 days ago
62. The last time you had a dis-agreement with someone: earlier today.
63. What happened to Question 64?: *looks down*
64. Do you have a crush on someone: yea
65. Do they know: i should hope so
66. Do you have a bf/gf: no... i'm engaged
------EXTRAS-----
67. What do you think of slugs and other bugs? they're pretty but slugs... *cringes*
68. What book are you reading now: "a Painted House" "Cuts"
69. Nicknames: bizzle, binda, bindi, sweetcheeks, sweetie, baby, SAUCE!!!
70. Hair Color: brown/black
71. Height: 5'6 ft
72. Pets: 1 cat, 2 dogs
73. Siblings: Brian, Heather, and Ryan
74. Been so drunk you blacked out: no
75. Taken any illegal substances: no... heh heh...
76. Gone out in public in your pajamas: yea
77. Missed school b/c it was raining: yea
78. Set any body part on fire for amusement: no
79. Kept a secret from everyone: no
|
|
| Wow... |
[23 Jun 2005|12:51am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 okay |
] |
Its been forever and a day since i've posted! I'm living back at Heather's again and she's mad at me... again. Lots of boy issues (like always) but i'll fill you in about that when i'm less tired. Well, i finally a SENIOR!!! I'm SO exicited! I think i need a 2nd job though, this summer seems like its going to be interesting yet boring all at the same time. My dad's getting married, he's giving the house to me and his mother, my aunt is moving into my room @ my moms and... thats about it. Extremely tired. I have a computer in my room @ heather's now so i'll try and post every night again. LOVE YOU ALL!!!
|
|
| Another update on my bullshit life... |
[28 Jul 2004|08:47pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 gloomy |
] |
1. Name: Belinda Alvarez
2. Birthday: July 21
3. Zodiac: Cancer
4. Nationality: white/spanish
5. What time is it: 8:34
6. Are you sensitive: yea
-------Person Who last------
7. Called you: JT
8. Slept in your bed: hmm... me?
9. Saw you cry: Shane
10. Made you cry: reasons unknown
11.What happened to Question eleven?: its right there. duh.
12. You shared a drink with: Shane
13. Major crushes: David and that special someone ;-)
14. Slept with last: Shane
15. Yelled at you: Heather
16. Sent you mail: Some people on HotOrNot
-------Have you ever-----
17. Taken a picture of yourself with a milk moustache and sent it to the milk people: uh, ya, a "milk" mustache
18. Said "I love you" and meant it: ya
19. Gotten into a fight with your Dog/Cat etc.: yea
20. Favorite thing to do on weekends: hang out w/ friends
21. Favorite School Subject: Biology
22. Herbology:no.
23. Potions:no.
24. Transfiguration:no
25. Divination: no
26. Is there anymore I forgot: ya, only all of the real subjects
27. Danced Naked: in the shower
28. Had a dream about something really crazy, then it happens the next day? yea
29. Stalked someone: yep yep
30. Had a mud bath: nope
31. Wished you were the opposite sex: yea
33. What time is it now: 8:38
34. Apples or bananas: bananananas
35. Blue or red: blue
36. Grey or orange: grey
37. Hogsmeade or Diagon Alley: Hogsmeade
38. Spring or Fall: spring
39. Love or hate: Love
40. What are you gonna do after you finish this: Go home then get drunk
41. What was the last meal you ate: Cheeseburger
42. Animagus or Marauder: Animagus
43. Are you bored: ya
44. How many friends you have: none... :'(
45. Last duel you saw: woooooooooooow.
46. Last noise you heard: Sappy love-song music
47. Last smell you sniffed: Cigarette smoke
------About your friends------
48. Laughs the weirdest: Matt O
49. Going to have the most kids: David
50. Who have you known the longest: Christian
51. Loudest: Val
52. Is the quietest: Matt S
54. Who is the funniest: ray
55. Who is the moodiest: me
56. Biggest pimp: Travis
57. Good looking: Dan ;)
58. Who can you tell most of your secrets to: JT, Heather, Laurie, Ray, and Tang
59. Who do you usually go to about all of your problems: ^looks above^
60. Wished someone was dead: ya.
61. Last time you had sex: a week ago
62. The last time you had a dis-agreement with someone: earlier today.
63. What happened to Question 64?: *looks down and scrathes head* i donno...
64. Do you have a crush on someone: yea
65. Do they know: one does and the other doesn't
66. Do you have a bf/gf: nope
------EXTRAS-----
67. What do you think of slugs and other bugs? they're pretty but slugs... *cringes*
68. What book are you reading now: "The Smoke Jumper"
69. Nicknames: binda, bindi, sweetcheeks, honey, sweetie, baby, SAUCE!!!
70. Hair Color: brown/black
71. Height: 5'5 ft
72. Pets: 1 cat, who knows how many fish
73. Siblings: Brian and JT
74. Been so drunk you blacked out: I've been told i have... don't remember
75. Taken any illegal substances: no... heh heh...
76. Gone out in public in your pajamas: yea
77. Missed school b/c it was raining: yea
78. Set any body part on fire for amusement: no
79. Kept a secret from everyone: yea
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|
| Fuckers... |
[24 May 2004|08:37pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
crushed |
] |
I hate guys... i give up. I feel so used and dumped right now. Stupid matt... "i didn't mean for the things that happened last week to happen" BULLSHIT. You don't do things with someone... hold their hand... give kisses... then all of a sudden, "i can't see you anymore".
|
|
| Makes you think... |
[29 Apr 2004|10:04pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
thoughtful |
] |
You've decided to do it. Life is impossible. Suicide is your way out. Fine--but before you kill yourself consider these facts: Suicide is not usually successful. You think you know a guaranteed way? Ask the 25-year-old who tried to electrocute himself. He lived. But, both his arms are gone. What about jumping? Ask John. He used to be intelligent , with an engaging sense of humor. That was before he leapt from a building. Now, he's brain- damaged and will always need care. He staggers and has seizures. He lives in a fog. But, worst of all, he KNOWS he used to be normal. What about pills? Ask the 12-year-old with extensive liver damage from an overdose. Have you ever seen anyone die of liver damage? You turn yellow. It's a hard way to go. What about a gun? Ask the 24-year-old who shot himself in the head. Now he drags one leg, has a useless arm and has no vision or hearing on one side. He lived through his "foolproof" suicide. You might too. What about knives and other things in your house? So you think you can slit your wrists and die? Ask Barb the 15-year-old who slit her wrist 8 times and drank shower cleaner. She lived and ended up in the pysch ward for the next 3 months.. missing weddings, birthdays, and anniversarys. Her Boyfriend was so upset with things, he became depressed and suicidal himself. Do you want to do that to people you love? But... Who will clean your blood off the carpet or scrape your brains from the ceiling? Commercial cleaning companies may refuse that job- -but SOMEONE has to do it. Who will have to cut you down from where you hung yourself or identify your bloated body after you've drowned? Your father? Your mother? Your wife? Your son? The carefully worded "loving" suicide note is of no help. Those who loved you will NEVER completely recover. They'll feel regret and an unending pain. Suicide is contagious. Look around your family. Look closely at the 4 year old playing with his cars on the rug. Kill yourself tonight, and he may do it ten years from now. You DO have other choices. There are people who can help you through this crisis. Call a hotline. Call a friend. Call your minister or priest. Call a doctor or hospital. Call the police. They will tell you that there's hope. Maybe you'll find it in the mail tomorrow. Or in a phone call this weekend. But what you're seeking could be just a minute, a month, or a day away. You say you don't want to be stopped? Still want to do it? Well, then, I may see you in the psychiatric ward later. And we'll work with whatever you have left. IF YOU'RE READING THIS, PLEASE STEAL IT AND PUT IT IN YOUR DIARY TOO!!
|
|
| *stares* |
[26 Apr 2004|12:42am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 restless |
] |
Its 12:42 on a Monday morning. I have school 2morrow but... i donno... can't sleep. ray's passed out and i'm just here, i seem to be depressing my self more and more today. Met a cute guy... don't thing he's interested though... *shrugs and holds self* I need stabilty, some how, some way. My mom threatened to call the cops on me the last time i saw her which wuz... tuesday...maybe. haven't been home since the 21st... happier at first but nothing seems to keep me happy for long anymore. *cries* i wish somebody wuz on to talk to... but alas, no ones on...
|
|
| Just trying to make his way... home... |
[08 Apr 2004|03:12am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
depressed |
] |
Hmm... i'm depressed @ 3:19 am again... it seems to be becoming atleast a weekly thing. I feel so lonely right now. I miss having love... i miss having someone holding me... I need help, but i'm too stubborn to take it when its given. I think i'm destined to live like this. Hopeless... fearful... loveless... chasing a single golden butterfly in a field full of dull moths...
|
|
| R.I.P. |
[21 Mar 2004|02:58pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
crushed |
] |
I know i don't post much on this journal anymore, but something happened last night that sum of you out there might be interested to hear...
If any of you guys ever went to Diamond Elementary, Ridgeview Middle, and/or Quince Orchard High... you might have known him. Brad Durasko wuz a great guy from wut i knew of him... and is sister Heather was a great friend in Elementary school. I don't know all the details as to why, but... i hope his family the best. *sighs* Rest in Peace Brad, everyone will miss you.
|
|
| I love this song... |
[28 Jan 2004|11:14am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 hopeful |
] |
To The Moon & Back
She's taking her time making up the reasons
To justify all the hurt inside
Guess she knows from the smiles and the look in their eyes
Everyone's got a theory about the bitter one
They're saying
Mama never loved her much
And daddy never keeps in touch
That's why she shies away from human affection
But somewhere in a private place
She packs her bags for outer space
And now she's waiting for the right kind of pilot
To come (and she'll say to him)
She's saying
I would fly you to the moon and back
If you'll be if you'll be my baby
Got a ticket for a world where we belong
So would you be my baby
Ooh-ooh
She can't remember a time
When she felt needed
If love was red then she was colour-blind
All her friends they've been tried for treason
And crimes that were never defined
She's saying
Love is like a barren place
And reaching out for human faith is
Is like a journey I just don't have a map for
So baby gonna take a dive and push the shift to overdrive
Send a signal that she's hanging all her hopes on the stars
(What a pleasant dream) just saying
(CHORUS x2)
Mamma never loved her much
And daddy never keeps in touch
That's why she shies away from human affection
But somewhere in a private place
She packs her bags for outer space
And now she's waiting for the right kind of pilot
To come (and she'll say to him)
She's saying
(REPEAT CHORUS TWICE)
|
|
| ... |
[26 Jan 2004|11:41am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
crappy |
] |
*cries* i dont understand... everytime i get a boyfriend that my parents actually like and his parents actually like me... i always fuck it up royally. why? why me? i give up... i'm so depressed and so dissappointed in myself. *hugs self and bawls* i found a great guy, and his father took him away from me. We had arranged yesterday that he could come and spend the night tonight, but i fucked it all up... i called him too early in the morning and he got bitched at... so they ended up fighting. when we got back to my house (we took the ride-on). we were happy. just watching TV and holding each other... i'm not good enough for him though... i'm just another bitchy slut that wants everything her way... why...
|
|
|
[24 Jan 2004|05:25pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 artistic |
] |
1. Name: Belinda Alvarez
2. Birthday: July 21
3. Zodiac: Cancer
4. Nationality: white/spanish
5. What time is it: 2:29
6. Are you sensitive: yea
-------Person Who last------
7. Called you: JT
8. Slept in your bed: hmm... me?
9. Saw you cry: Stefan
10. Made you cry: a song (yes i know its pathetic)
11.What happened to Question eleven?: its right there. duh.
12. You shared a drink with: Probably Heather
13. Major crushes: Stefan
14. Slept with last: heh... heh... Stefan
15. Yelled at you: JT
16. Sent you mail: Anthony
-------Have you ever-----
17. Taken a picture of yourself with a milk moustache and sent it to the milk people: uh, ya, a "milk" mustache
18. Said "I love you" and meant it: ya
19. Gotten into a fight with your Dog/Cat etc.: yea
20. Favorite thing to do on weekends: hang out w/ friends
21. Favorite School Subject: Biology
22. Herbology:no.
23. Potions:no.
24. Transfiguration:no
25. Divination: no
26. Is there anymore I forgot: ya, only all of the real subjects
27. Danced Naked: in the shower
28. Had a dream about something really crazy, then it happens the next day? yea
29. Stalked someone: yep yep
30. Had a mud bath: nope
31. Wished you were the opposite sex: yea
33. What time is it now: 5:27
34. Apples or bananas: bananananas
35. Blue or red: blue
36. Grey or orange: grey
37. Hogsmeade or Diagon Alley: Hogsmeade
38. Spring or Fall: spring
39. Love or hate: Love
40. What are you gonna do after you finish this: Go see Britney
41. What was the last meal you ate: Peaches
42. Animagus or Marauder: Animagus
43. Are you bored: ya
44. How many friends you have: none... :'(
45. Last duel you saw: woooooooooooow.
46. Last noise you heard: AIM go "dududu"
47. Last smell you sniffed: Cigarette smoke
------About your friends------
48. Laughs the weirdest: uh,
49. Going to have the most kids: JT
50. Who have you known the longest: Christian
51. Loudest: Val
52. Is the quietest: Matt
54. Who is the funniest: uh... joey?
55. Who is the moodiest: me
56. Biggest pimp: JT ^look up @ ? 49^
57. Good looking: Dan ;)
58. Who can you tell most of your secrets to: JT, Val, Heather, Hillary, Laurie, Ray, and Stefan
59. Who do you usually go to about all of your problems: ^looks above^
60. Wished someone was dead: ya.
61. Last time you had sex: yesterday.
62. The last time you had a dis-agreement with someone: earlier today.
63. What happened to Question 64?: *looks down and scrathes head* i donno...
64. Do you have a crush on someone: yea
65. Do they know: yea
66. Do you have a bf/gf: yea
------EXTRAS-----
67. What do you think of slugs and other bugs? they're pretty but slugs... *cringes*
68. What book are you reading now: "Dead Zone" by Stephen King
69. Nicknames: binda, bindi, sweetcheeks, honey, sweetie, baby, SAUCE!!!
70. Hair Color: brown
71. Height: 5'5 ft
72. Pets: 1 hamster, 1 cat, who knows how many fish
73. Siblings: Brian and JT
74. Been so drunk you blacked out: no
75. Taken any illegal substances: no... heh heh...
76. Gone out in public in your pajamas: ya
77. Missed school b/c it was raining: yea
78. Set any body part on fire for amusement: no
79. Kept a secret from everyone: yea
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| ok, now to my thoughts... |
[24 Jan 2004|05:18pm] |
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mood |
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 bored |
] |
wow, i haven't writen in a while... maybe i should start again!!! Well, knowing me, i've got a new boyfriend. I actually got flowers!!! *smiles*. Even though i miss Shane... i know it's better this way. I dont want to be with someone who is here one minute then in jail the next minute, it's not fair to me. But Stefan... he's def. a keeper. lol, for once i've got someone whoose MY AGE! AND my mother actually let me spend the night at his house Thursday. It wuz great. His mom's pretty kool too, she wuz like "if you guys are going to have sex make sure ou take a shower before AND after". Lol. *yawns* i'm tired... and stressed... and bored at the same time. hmmm... i wuz looking through my old journal entries and found this REALLY long survey... i think i'm gonna do it again, just to see how much i've changed. hehe, yea i'm really bored.
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| I'm in a writing mood... |
[24 Jan 2004|05:16pm] |
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mood |
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 stressed |
] |
A plastic mask
Shown to all, but they don’t know
They don’t know what it’s like
How it feels to be ashamed and depressed about everything
Not wanting anyone to notice
Love is the hardest emotion to fake
You start to believe your lies
Doesn’t that make them truth?
If you truly believe you’re happy but you’re sad
You’re happy right?
Maybe we’re just all living a lie
Pretending we’re something we’re not
If you don’t trust yourself, who can you trust?
If you don’t love yourself, who can you love?
Therefore I will never find love
I will never be happy
And I will never trust anyone
What’s the point of living?
Do you matter if you don’t exist to anyone but yourself?
And even that existence is hazy most of the time?
What’ the point of living when your best friend is a bottle of pills, a knife, weed, or the satisfaction of an empty 40?
Your arms have more cuts than you can count
Old scars, new scars
Multiple burns
When life seems like a cigarette that keeps going out
You keep lighting it just for the high
A ten minute utopia
All those years for ten minutes?
It doesn’t make sense
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| just a poem... |
[24 Jan 2004|05:12pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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depressed |
] |
Her stomach turns
Somersaulting
Head racing, but no feeling
No sense of emotions
No sense of anything
Yellow and red
Seizure medicine
But she doesn’t have epilepsy
Doesn’t have any physical problems at all
“Bi-polar”, “manic-depressive”
One in the same
All treated the same way
Every psychological “disease” is
Pills
Red, yellow, blue, purple, green
Every color you can think of
Tablets, capsules, liquid
Doesn’t matter
Something wrong happens?
They up your dosage
Still numb
Still nothingness
Just spiraling down
Deeper into a pit of narcotics
Never stopping
Never seizing
Just colors
Red, yellow, blue and white
Pills
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sunsetmyst's journal